dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 22, 2013 16:33:47 GMT
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. 15 in the National School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts,with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it up the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man, have you ever felt such a perfect tw*t'
I certainly have, I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
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conwyrod
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Post by conwyrod on Jan 22, 2013 17:52:05 GMT
;D
That must have taken you ages to copy and paste Kenny! ;D
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Post by Willie Gunn on Jan 22, 2013 19:44:44 GMT
Scene setting, I was at a private function on Speyside and had had a few drinks. I was busy telling the above story when Angus Roberson came across to introduce himself, I was persuaded to finish,you could see him looking around to make sure that there were no T.V. camers in the room, not sure which was funniest the look of panic on his face or the punchline!
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 22, 2013 19:53:07 GMT
;D That must have taken you ages to copy and paste Kenny! ;D My finger tips are numb with all that typing John
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conwyrod
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Post by conwyrod on Jan 22, 2013 20:00:36 GMT
Nice story Malcolm!
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 23, 2013 14:22:53 GMT
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him. Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner." After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 23, 2013 14:29:09 GMT
I'd arranged a hitman to kill my wife and met up with him,he said,"It'll take just one shot,right below the left nipple".....I said,"Whoa,i want her killed not knee-capped".....
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Jan 23, 2013 18:18:14 GMT
I'd arranged a hitman to kill my wife and met up with him,he said,"It'll take just one shot,right below the left nipple".....I said,"Whoa,i want her killed not knee-capped"..... You're a bad man Kenny ;D
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 25, 2013 8:14:35 GMT
Two older women were having lunch together, And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"
"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 9, 2013 13:29:54 GMT
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year’s Tottenham riots....your one year manufacturer’s warranty runs out next week
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital: one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka!
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Post by iainjay on Feb 9, 2013 13:58:04 GMT
Old Uncle Berts funeral yesterday. He was hit on the head with a tennis ball.......
It was a lovely service.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 12, 2013 13:17:02 GMT
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . ... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 13, 2013 10:10:36 GMT
T-SHIRT A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Post by Willie Gunn on Feb 13, 2013 12:10:01 GMT
T-SHIRT A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.'' Reminded of the blonde who bought her knickers from C&A so she knew which way to put them on!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 13, 2013 12:47:57 GMT
T-SHIRT A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.'' Reminded of the blonde who bought her knickers from C&A so she knew which way to put them on! Dinny get that. Could explain in a bit mair detail please ;D
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Post by sinkingtip on Feb 13, 2013 13:25:00 GMT
I have to admit, it took me a while.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 13, 2013 14:52:19 GMT
I have to admit, it took me a while. You and I must have led sheltered lives Andy ;D Them heilanders, are a bad influence
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Post by Willie Gunn on Feb 13, 2013 15:08:05 GMT
White out on Speyside and I ought to be on the river now you two clowns require jokes explaining today cannot get worse! Unless I try to explain the joke of course.
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Post by lunesman on Feb 13, 2013 18:35:14 GMT
I always thought C & A stood for coats and ats.
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conwyrod
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Post by conwyrod on Feb 13, 2013 19:16:19 GMT
Close. ;D
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