dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 1, 2013 11:09:52 GMT
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter.
"Well, bugger me, that explains why no one was at church either."
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Post by weefleeman on Aug 15, 2013 19:23:13 GMT
The General Manager of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Aug 22, 2013 19:04:14 GMT
A couple of recent ones that made me laugh...
The wife phoned me today from work and said "Three of the girls had flowers delivered today, they're gorgeous!". I replied, "That's why they got flowers then!".
How the hell do I get myself out of this pickle? I got my Valentine cards mixed up, now my girlfriend thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to f**k her!!!
Had a heavy night last night and came home very drunk. I crept upstairs and slowly got into bed, then started stroking the wife's c**k. That's when I thought "I don't even live at number 15"!!
My internet connection was so slow yesterday that I ended up just sh*gging the wife!
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Post by weefleeman on Aug 23, 2013 19:59:57 GMT
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. 'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
SCROLL DOWN
This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ....... ....
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 9, 2013 23:35:28 GMT
I've just invented a ten headed dildo....
Should be a real crowd pleaser!
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 9, 2013 23:42:11 GMT
A guy from Warrington told me this on th'Annan last week
What time is it when there's a pie on top of Wigan town hall?
Summat t'eight!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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bad jokes
Sept 18, 2013 19:23:32 GMT
via mobile
Post by dunkeld on Sept 18, 2013 19:23:32 GMT
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbein," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' brick wall!"
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 20, 2013 23:03:18 GMT
After 21 years of trying, I finally found the wife's "G spot" last night!!
Turns out her sister has it.
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 20, 2013 23:11:57 GMT
The wife was trying on her new jeans last night and asked "Do these make my arse look like a bus?"
"Dont be stupid" I said. "Buses are red"
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 20, 2013 23:18:24 GMT
My wife marched up to me last night and sternly asked "Can you explain to me why I've just found this lacy thong in your inside coat pocket??"
"Yes", I replied. "It's because you're a nosy b*tch".
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 23, 2013 9:49:20 GMT
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.>> But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay”. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 24, 2013 22:33:29 GMT
My wife walked in through the back door today and exclaimed "Ta daa! Here I am, back from the beauty salon!!" I looked her up and down and said "It was shut then?"
I love watching the wife's arse wobble when she walks! It means she's going away.
The wife came and sat down next to me on the sofa last night. She said "I'm hot for you!, I really want you now, I want you to do filthy things to me...." "Listen love" I said, "I'm trying to watch the football, take your bloody phone conversation somewhere else"
The wife has gone out clubbing tonight. It's late now and I have that feeling of dread.. If she hasn't pulled, she'll be on her way home now!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 25, 2013 9:10:36 GMT
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on Sept 25, 2013 19:18:49 GMT
Phone call to takeaway £0.05
Chinese food £22.50
Petrol used collecting food £2.20
Getting home and finding one of the cartons missing......Riceless!!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 27, 2013 10:23:32 GMT
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.
The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator." "Very good Dale, that's a big word."
The second boy Wayne said, "Predator." “ Yes, that's another big word Wayne . Very well done."
When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries up like feck .
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Oct 2, 2013 18:17:39 GMT
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Post by almosthadapull on Oct 25, 2013 20:57:29 GMT
A brunette, a redhead and a blond are all waiting in the maternity ward. The brunette says "Mine's a boy. I know this because I was on top during conception." "Well," chimes in the redhead "I know mine is a girl because I was underneath." "Oh no!" wails the blond. "That means I'm going to have a puppy!"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 18, 2013 12:33:45 GMT
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!". The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!" The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money." The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, any time they want to. "The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment. Then the Priest said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them." The Businessman replied,"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls." And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 18, 2013 12:37:04 GMT
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 18, 2013 15:59:16 GMT
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7 inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your ar$+!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
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