burnie
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Post by burnie on Feb 7, 2011 20:46:01 GMT
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Post by iainjay on Feb 14, 2011 20:51:25 GMT
I hear the Japanese are joining up with a team from Northern Ireland to develop a new F1 racing car for the upcoming season. They're going to call it............THE RED HONDA ULSTER.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Feb 17, 2011 13:22:06 GMT
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Feb 17, 2011 15:30:43 GMT
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick looked around him : "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 17, 2011 18:50:05 GMT
Asked the missus for a tug other night.She started rubbing my wee man with a key ring.
Might just be me but i felt like i was being fobbed off....
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 17, 2011 18:52:13 GMT
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied,'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder...'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 17, 2011 18:54:07 GMT
Just been to the gym and used a new machine but only used it for an hour as i felt sick.
Its great though,it does everything,Kit Kats,Mars Bars,Crunchie.....
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 17, 2011 18:54:55 GMT
I was driving into work this morning and saw an RAC van parked up.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked as miserable as $hite,i thought,that git's heading for a breakdown !!!
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Feb 27, 2011 18:26:05 GMT
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your @rse kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are.
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Feb 28, 2011 20:20:50 GMT
Police came to my door last night holding a picture of my Wife. They said is this your wife? Shocked I said yes. They said it looks like she’s been in a car accident. I said I know but she has a lovely personality.
I popped into Boots to pick up my Viagra, the stupid woman gave me tippex by mistake - I've now got a massive correction.
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as e by gum.
After both suffering from depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better, so i thought fu*k it, soldier on...
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 2, 2011 13:09:08 GMT
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the woman was slowly sliding down her chair and under the table, with the man acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man dining across from her appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that his dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the man, "Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No she didn't. She just walked in the door."
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Mar 6, 2011 18:13:37 GMT
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
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burnie
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Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Mar 12, 2011 12:40:55 GMT
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £175 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 15, 2011 12:40:07 GMT
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a beautifull Salmon river that looked better than anything he had ever fished down on earth. Lovely streams tumbling into ever deeping pools, with never ending runs of sea liced springers (catch and release only!!) throwing themselves up into the air.
'What are the Costs to fish such a magnificent river?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can fish for free, every day.'
Next they went to the Fishing Lodge and saw the most lavish buffet/BBQ lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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burnie
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Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Mar 23, 2011 22:15:21 GMT
Colin was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken a back, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Colin said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 29, 2011 15:23:50 GMT
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?" "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies:..... "I Didn't feel a thing."
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Apr 1, 2011 12:15:32 GMT
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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burnie
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Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Apr 12, 2011 18:09:10 GMT
Subject: Sometimes directions just aren't clear enough...
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Apr 18, 2011 20:28:58 GMT
The Value of Experience
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's :censored:?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition. Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always, always make sure you know who has the power. Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 19, 2011 6:25:22 GMT
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
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