dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 18, 2011 17:07:07 GMT
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions ~ by descriptions: > > GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, > and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' > > BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, > lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' > > I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. > > Medically speaking ~ there is No difference in the outcome. (Both result in death
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ibm59
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Post by ibm59 on Dec 18, 2011 18:49:57 GMT
What do Pippa Middleton's erse and a JK Rowling novel have in common?
You know that, sooner or later, Harry is going to be in it!
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 18, 2011 19:24:57 GMT
Baptising an Irishman A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,* when he comes upon a preacher Baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk. 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me bro the r?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the* drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down* for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his* arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks* the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' (Are you ready for this? ) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says* to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'*
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 22, 2011 7:46:49 GMT
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reserve in Alberta asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called Environment Canada and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called Environment Canada again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Environment Canada again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called Environment Canada again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh1t load of firewood'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2011 17:38:32 GMT
Yes that's one for the Xmas table Kenny, nice.
TC
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burnie
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Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Dec 24, 2011 18:40:49 GMT
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. ·
Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' · I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ·
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
· My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. ·
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. · I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. ·
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. · Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands............................................. Police say that he topped himself. ·
‘Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' · Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.' ·
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' · Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin. · A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 7, 2012 10:38:03 GMT
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs, the birds love it!
David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.
Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’ . Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets!
Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.
The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 9, 2012 9:15:06 GMT
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. I was explaining to my wife last night, when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not bloody listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi mate, I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Jan 9, 2012 17:42:58 GMT
There's a few old 'uns in their Kenny,this years Xmas crackers weren't much good were they?
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 9, 2012 20:04:55 GMT
There's a few old 'uns in their Kenny,this years Xmas crackers weren't much good were they? That was after two boxs of the things as well!!
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troot
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Posts: 329
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Post by troot on Jan 11, 2012 23:41:43 GMT
Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are getting intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. " Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday." Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.....” The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. Paddy says to Mick, “I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. ” Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?” Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!” Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue . He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, “I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.” A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!”
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Post by lunesman on Jan 16, 2012 21:34:34 GMT
A man phones an Airfix model shop and asks " do you have a model of an Italian cruise liner". The owner replies "yes, we have just one left", the man says " can you put it on one side for me".
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 18, 2012 8:53:01 GMT
Last Penny
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant..
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 18, 2012 15:26:10 GMT
Glasgow pub quiz.... And the final question to win the £1000 is…………. Take That's first album consisted of four words. The first two were "Take That", so what were the second two? There was a long pause then a wee Glesga man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya Bastard" ?
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Jan 18, 2012 17:54:26 GMT
Absolute crackers Kenny
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stuart
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Posts: 113
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Post by stuart on Jan 18, 2012 22:56:32 GMT
Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.
Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, he?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one shoelace was undone?
Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....
Taiwan !!!!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 23, 2012 10:39:57 GMT
Old yin, but worth the repost i think!
Glasgow Boys join Ferrari. "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
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Post by burnie on Jan 23, 2012 17:57:14 GMT
Old yin, but worth the repost i think! Glasgow Boys join Ferrari. "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower. ;D ;D ;D
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Post by lunesman on Jan 26, 2012 13:14:29 GMT
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 28, 2012 10:51:46 GMT
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" "What DVD?" "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno" cries the son. "
What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
The Mother laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot then slaps the mother!
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