dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 30, 2012 8:15:04 GMT
Tolerance, I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney .
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs.."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved..
If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Feb 1, 2012 20:25:51 GMT
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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Post by davidturtle on Feb 7, 2012 14:32:20 GMT
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 8, 2012 9:36:48 GMT
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were at the least 60-65 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss. This may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've lived in County Cork all my life and I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's."
''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 10, 2012 7:55:54 GMT
A man goes to his local nurse to say he has a severe rash on his balls, she examines him and says your going to have to stop playing with yourself!
He says why?
She says because I'm trying to examine you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2012 14:05:03 GMT
Last night whilst sat at home drinking whisky and playing Scrabble I accidently swallowed some off the tiles which have the letters etched on them * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The next time I go for a shit could spell TROUBLE
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 10, 2012 19:20:25 GMT
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well! Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little "incident". she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Feb 10, 2012 20:27:57 GMT
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes
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Post by sinkingtip on Feb 10, 2012 21:29:53 GMT
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes Matt Kirshen's gag was better in my opinion - "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess" Jimmy Carr's wasn't too bad either - "I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death. Tim Vine - "Velcro - what a rip-off'
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Feb 10, 2012 21:52:47 GMT
;D ;D ;D
The chess joke takes the cake for me Andy.
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on Feb 11, 2012 10:13:26 GMT
The chess one is a cracker ;D ;D
I liked the dog one also...
"Two dogs walking down the street. 1st dog: "Do you use condoms?" 2nd dog: "Durex" 1st dog: "I asked you first.""
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Post by almosthadapull on Feb 12, 2012 12:25:26 GMT
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
___________________________________________________________
Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil. ---------------------------------------
Just said to the missus…”Hey donkey breath, what do you want for Valentines Day” She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy” I said “Mascara it is then!”
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 13, 2012 10:31:39 GMT
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checqus.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 13, 2012 10:34:18 GMT
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 15, 2012 19:19:59 GMT
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 16, 2012 21:18:54 GMT
Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a bloody plastic bag a suffocated the poor bugger"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 16, 2012 21:24:25 GMT
LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je t'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai In Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Lithuanian As Tave Meliu Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta, North Carolina Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.
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Post by lunesman on Feb 27, 2012 19:32:07 GMT
> This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. > > By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand > > morally. > > > > The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which > > you will have to make a decision. > > > > Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. > > > > Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. > > > > *** THE SITUATION: *** > > > > You are in London . There is chaos all around you caused by a > > hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical > > proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major > > newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. > > The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot > > career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around > > you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of > > its destructive fury. > > > > ** THE TEST: *** > > > > Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, > > trying not to be taken down with the debris You move closer... > > Somehow, the man looks familiar.... > > > > You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, > > the one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the > > UK to become an Islamic state!! You notice that the raging waters > > are about to take him under forever. > > > > You have two options: > > > > You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer > > Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's > > most despised, evil and powerful men! > > > > *** NOW THE QUESTION: *** > > > > Here's the question, and please give an honest answer... > > > > Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the > > classic simplicity of black and white? > >
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Post by lunesman on Mar 1, 2012 13:56:13 GMT
The wife just came in and told me Davey Jones, the lead singer with The Monkeys is dead. I didnt believe her at first...........Then I Saw Her Face.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 1, 2012 14:37:45 GMT
I came in from work earlier than usual and the wife was no where to be seen. I went up the stairs into the bedroom and she was lying there on the bed naked.
I said what you lying there with nothing on for!
She replied, we are going to the works dance tomorrow night and I have nothing to wear.
I swung open the wardrobe doors and said, theres a blue dress, a red dress, hello tom, a yellow dress - you have plenty to wear!!
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