GPT
Active Member
Posts: 78
|
Post by GPT on Mar 1, 2012 15:09:37 GMT
The wife just came in and told me Davey Jones, the lead singer with The Monkeys is dead. I didnt believe her at first...........Then I Saw Her Face. Now she's a bereaver.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 3, 2012 22:07:51 GMT
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 3, 2012 22:11:08 GMT
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 8, 2012 12:07:50 GMT
A policeman pulls a Newcastle man over for having a dog sat in the front passenger seat of his car. As the policeman approaches the car he sees the man smack the dog several times over the head. The copper asks “Why did you hit the dog on the head like that” The Geordie replies “The bastard just ate my road tax disc !!!!!”
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 8, 2012 12:12:07 GMT
2% or 98%
This is strange...can you figure it out?
Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
There's no trick or surprise.
Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really.
Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
Think of a number from 1 to 10
Multiply that number by 9
If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
Now subtract 5
Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with
(example: 1=a, 2=B, 3=c,etc.)
Think of a country that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of the name of that country
Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter
Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange ?
I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others.. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.
|
|
|
Post by allysshrimp on Mar 8, 2012 12:39:59 GMT
My first thoughts were. Chameleon on the beach, in the Dominican Republic eating a Nana or was it a Nectarine.
|
|
Speyducer
Advisory Board
Release to spawn another day
Posts: 4,123
|
Post by Speyducer on Mar 8, 2012 13:16:10 GMT
My first thoughts were. Chameleon on the beach, in the Dominican Republic eating a Nana or was it a Nectarine. A Chinchilla eating an Apricot in the Dominican Republic!! Howsaattt???
|
|
GPT
Active Member
Posts: 78
|
Post by GPT on Mar 8, 2012 13:48:36 GMT
I had an Otter eating a Rambutan in DR Congo.
|
|
|
Post by allysshrimp on Mar 8, 2012 13:49:33 GMT
My first thoughts were. Chameleon on the beach, in the Dominican Republic eating a Nana or was it a Nectarine. A Chinchilla eating an Apricot in the Dominican Republic!! Howsaattt??? ;D
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 8, 2012 14:28:15 GMT
My one was a cat eating a tangerine in Dominican republic. ;D
|
|
|
Post by Tyne Angler on Mar 8, 2012 14:45:40 GMT
Kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange!
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Mar 8, 2012 19:13:46 GMT
THE TOILET SEAT
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 21, 2012 10:02:01 GMT
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Mar 22, 2012 10:14:25 GMT
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies.. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
***************************************** Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
***************************************** Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ***************************************** Marriage (PART V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ***************************************** God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Mar 23, 2012 22:39:15 GMT
A Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby...
Upon arriving, the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys!"
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a dick on me like a chimney..."
The nurse replies, "You might consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."
|
|
stuart
Active Member
Posts: 113
|
Post by stuart on Apr 3, 2012 18:00:53 GMT
Places I have been
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deep shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my doctor says I'll be going soon. Stuart
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Apr 4, 2012 11:30:33 GMT
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 1 A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized, 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 2 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 3 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered, 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 4 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 5 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. (3 ) And when you're in deep crap, but safe and warm, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Apr 24, 2012 11:55:42 GMT
You will not even need a calculator for this one.
Mathematics: This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
But what makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are!
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,181
|
Post by burnie on Apr 24, 2012 13:20:36 GMT
;D
|
|
|
Post by davidturtle on Apr 24, 2012 14:02:41 GMT
I have immediately forwarded this to my HR department to assist in my annual staff appraisal due this week.
David
|
|