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Post by neptune on Mar 2, 2009 21:16:30 GMT
i was on my way to the doctors today when i seen a sign saying "pavement closed, please use other side"......... it really made me cross!!
when i got to the doctors i said.. "i feel like an RAC man"... the doc "said youre heading for a breakdown"!!
on my way home i walked into a bar.. it hurt!!
i decided to go fishing to cheer myself up, on the way i threw a jar of bluebottles away... i got fined £5000 for fly tipping!!
i got speaking to my neighbour he said the milk man has had his way with every married women in our street apart from 1, i said it would be that snooty bi*ch from number 10 ;D
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Post by allysshrimp on Mar 25, 2009 20:25:02 GMT
Two nuns, Sister Senga and Sister Helen, from Glasgow are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
'Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga. 'Whit are we gonnae dae?' 'Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen. Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about,but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts. 'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen. Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen. 'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts......."Get the f**k aff the f**kin' car ya wee b*st**d
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Post by neptune on Mar 26, 2009 19:27:14 GMT
Johnathon Ross was arrested yesterday morning for stealing kitchen utensills from a well known department store. in a statement to the papers he said. "its a whisk i was willing to take"
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Mar 26, 2009 21:49:53 GMT
A retired dentist was walking his dog on the banks of the Spey on a cold March day, when he was approached by an attractive young hooker.
"Would you like some super sex?" she said.
He thought for a moment and said "Aye, some hot soup would be great".
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Post by Willie Gunn on Mar 26, 2009 23:28:41 GMT
A lady was walking home from work one day when a frog on the road spoke out to her and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a rich dentist" The lady picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it in her handbag.
A couple minutes later, the frog spoke again and said "If you kiss me and turn me back into a rich dentist I'll stay with you for a day." The lady takes the frog out of her handbag, smiles at it, and returns it to her bag.
A few minutes after that, the frog speaks to the lady says "If you turn me back into a dentist, I'll stay with you for a day and do whatever you want!" Yet again, the lady takes the frog out of her handbag smiles at it, and puts it back in her bag.
The frog speaks up and says "Look, I've told you I'm a rich dentist, I'll stay with you for a day, and I'll do whatever you want." The lady the frog out of her bag and says "Look, rich dentsts are two a penny but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Mar 27, 2009 19:16:16 GMT
A lady was walking home from work one day when a frog on the road spoke out to her and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a rich dentist" The lady picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it in her handbag. A couple minutes later, the frog spoke again and said "If you kiss me and turn me back into a rich dentist I'll stay with you for a day." The lady takes the frog out of her handbag, smiles at it, and returns it to her bag. A few minutes after that, the frog speaks to the lady says "If you turn me back into a dentist, I'll stay with you for a day and do whatever you want!" Yet again, the lady takes the frog out of her handbag smiles at it, and puts it back in her bag. The frog speaks up and says "Look, I've told you I'm a rich dentist, I'll stay with you for a day, and I'll do whatever you want." The lady the frog out of her bag and says "Désolé de grenouille, mais j'adore manger des grenouilles à pattes."
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Post by salmonking on Mar 27, 2009 19:34:52 GMT
How's about tweed prices.
That's a real bad JOKE.
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Mar 27, 2009 19:46:23 GMT
How's about tweed prices. That's a real bad JOKE. Aye, especially when there's no fish in the river! ;D
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tenet
Active Member
Posts: 431
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Post by tenet on Mar 30, 2009 15:44:29 GMT
Just a couple or three that made me smile.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the doctor this morning about my foot. She said I had to stop w**king. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Tenet
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Post by allysshrimp on Mar 30, 2009 15:56:03 GMT
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 30, 2009 16:10:35 GMT
Two women are talking, Deb mentions to Helen that when she has a sore throat she (gotta try to do this without getting it removed) uses her husbands special tonic (the one that comes in the saggy pink bottle) and it cures it and tells Deb to try it.
The next day Deb calls on Helen and is all happy and doesn't have a sore throat anymore.
So Deb you did what I said then asks Helen.
Deb replies yeah it's fantastic worked 1st time and I really enjoyed it, funny thing was though your husband couldn't believe it was your idea.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 30, 2009 16:12:47 GMT
Paddy buys a bath but returns it next day complaing water keeps running out. Shop keeper replies "did you buy a plug"? Paddy replies "you , you never said it was electric"!!!! I'll get my coat
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Post by sinkingtip on Apr 1, 2009 7:14:24 GMT
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! Tenet Very good ;D
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Post by neptune on May 8, 2009 14:38:32 GMT
people said when a black man becomes president pigs will fly sure enough 100 days later.... swine "flew"
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on May 8, 2009 15:46:10 GMT
A man phoned up his local gym and said he wanted to learn how to do the splits. The trainer asked him how flexible he was. The man said he could not come Tuesdays or Thursdays!!
An old Tommy Cooper joke!!
salmo
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Post by Tyne Angler on May 8, 2009 18:05:19 GMT
Mate, I am a bit worried...I want you to go in for a swine flu test.
I know you havn't been to Mexico but by f*ck you've been with some pigs in your time!....
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Post by jackfish on May 8, 2009 19:02:36 GMT
Irish math's test Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on May 23, 2009 6:57:10 GMT
A man goes to the psychiatrist.
The doc asks him what the trouble is and he says he cannot sleep a full night.
The doc then asks him if has any recurring dreams.
The guy says "sometimes I dream I am a tepee and other times I dream that I am a marquee"
The doc says "I know the problem - you are two tents!!"
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on May 26, 2009 9:23:05 GMT
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this...................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
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Speyducer
Advisory Board
Release to spawn another day
Posts: 4,123
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Post by Speyducer on Jul 24, 2009 6:28:08 GMT
When....
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake. You don't sweat, you percolate.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You don't tan, you roast.
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