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Post by jamieboy72 on Mar 30, 2010 22:13:28 GMT
some bloke at the bus stop earlier hit me on the legs,with a stick for no reason, naturally , i retaliated & beat the crap out of him & just for good measure i kicked his labrador as well.
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Post by jamieboy72 on Mar 30, 2010 22:29:23 GMT
a man sunbathihg with nothing but a hat covering his manhood , 2 women walk past and 1 sniggers and says if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady bloke replies if you weren,t so f,n ugly the hat would lift itself,
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,181
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Post by burnie on May 10, 2010 19:23:31 GMT
I was in a restuarant the other night and I asked the waiter how they prepared the chicken."Nothing special sir,we just tell them they are going to die"
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,181
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Post by burnie on May 12, 2010 16:58:20 GMT
A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock sprang to life and cuckooed three times.
Realising her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.
The next morning he asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem miffed at all, leaving his wife thinking she had got away with it. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh $%^*,' cuckooed four more times, vomited on the carpet, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,181
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Post by burnie on Aug 9, 2010 12:38:26 GMT
Highland humour? What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Highland sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And the farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 15, 2010 6:39:36 GMT
Just PMSL at some of the earlier posted jokes, in particular the one when the dildo hit the windscreen and even now the tears are blinding me - brilliant. Here's one from me!
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ................ I've Quit Drinking!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 15, 2010 6:48:12 GMT
Man goes to the building site for an interview with the foreman for a handymans job , and he gets asked a few questions: Can you make a good pot of tea? - best in the business says the man. Can you drive a Forklift Truck says the foremen? Jesus how big is your f****** teapot replied the interviewee! I'll get my jacket
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,181
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Post by burnie on Oct 26, 2010 17:09:38 GMT
My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre, he approached a uniformed security man and said, "I've lost my grandad!"
The man asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Rugby ,fishing and women with big t__s."
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Post by sinkingtip on Oct 26, 2010 17:58:21 GMT
I hear Daniel O'Donnell got a girl in trouble - told her mother she'd been smoking.
Just returned from a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, tell you what - never again !
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Oct 26, 2010 18:12:02 GMT
When I asked a Scottish guy if he had spots he replied: Ach nee.
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Post by sinkingtip on Oct 26, 2010 19:34:56 GMT
John, that is truly atrocious ;D
Drunk guy vomits over a cairn terrier - looks down and says "B'goad, ah canny mind eating that".
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
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Post by conwyrod on Oct 26, 2010 20:50:24 GMT
Thought you'd appreciate it Andy. ;D
Credit goes to a Scottish comedian I saw on the TV last week.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 2, 2010 10:17:27 GMT
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting "to God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those Robbing B******s at the post office. ;D
Sincerely, Edna
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Post by Willie Gunn on Nov 2, 2010 11:46:03 GMT
New game developed in Scotland, a 14 year old runs around the streets of Glasgow robbing houses stealing cars and stabbing everyone.
Its called Wii Bast'rd
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Post by sinkingtip on Nov 2, 2010 18:13:18 GMT
Very good Malcolm.
Kenny - that joke is as auld as the hill's ;D
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conwyrod
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Autumn on the Conwy
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Post by conwyrod on Nov 2, 2010 18:13:40 GMT
New game developed in Scotland, a 14 year old runs around the streets of Glasgow robbing houses stealing cars and stabbing everyone. Its called Wii Bast'rd Very good ;D ;D ;D
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 2, 2010 21:40:38 GMT
Very good Malcolm. Kenny - that joke is as auld as the hill's ;D Shows how young I am then, as its the first time I heard it
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 2, 2010 21:48:42 GMT
Heres one for all you all. A pub was looking for a barmaid and got the hopefulls down to three likely candidates. But as they all got the same score in the questionaires, the barman decided to carry out one more test - a test of honesty. He asked the 1st one a Blonde, what would she do if she found a £20 note on the floor? She replied I would stick it in the till to cover any short falls she replied. He then asked the 2nd a black haired raven of a girl the same question? She said she would pop it under a glass behind the counter and if no one claimed it at the end of the night would put it in the charity tin. He went on to ask the last one, the red head the same question. She replied, I would stick it down my bra and if no one asked for it, I would put it in my purse and keep it. Question is - What one got the job??. I will let this run to see how many got it right
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Post by Willie Gunn on Nov 2, 2010 22:54:38 GMT
Question is - What one got the job??. I will let this run to see how many got it right The most well endowed.
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Post by allysshrimp on Nov 3, 2010 6:32:48 GMT
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
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