dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 18, 2013 9:09:05 GMT
The Best Pubs Are Irish
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Patty Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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Post by builnacraig on Feb 25, 2013 18:27:48 GMT
A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming , fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical politicians wisdom" Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know shit?" Then she went back to reading her book.
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stoney
Active Member
Posts: 47
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Post by stoney on Feb 25, 2013 23:36:54 GMT
Findus one of the companies connected to the ongoing food scandal have carried out more extensive tests on their products and were amazed to find chicken in their chicken curry and beef in their beef curry.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 28, 2013 11:33:29 GMT
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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Post by weefleeman on Mar 4, 2013 13:29:55 GMT
B & Q have been dragged into the food scandal, apparently they've been caught selling a wooden floor with laminit!
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Mar 4, 2013 17:51:58 GMT
good one! ;D
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Post by lunesman on Mar 6, 2013 16:29:45 GMT
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antique Road Show. Ooh said the presenter, this is a very rare set produced by the Johns brothers, taxidermists of London, about 1890. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ? " Sticks" Paddy replied
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 11, 2013 19:49:51 GMT
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know." ... "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 2, 2013 7:04:38 GMT
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's, Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 8, 2013 9:23:58 GMT
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on and I will do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for my self
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
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Post by allysshrimp on May 8, 2013 9:36:03 GMT
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on and I will do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for my self So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'. His funeral is this Thursday. That is so bad
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on May 9, 2013 19:20:22 GMT
That is so bad That is so bad, it's good. I can picture the wife's grimace now....
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 10, 2013 8:12:13 GMT
New cafe just opened in Liverpool for under twelves, called Tarbuck's
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
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Post by salmondan on May 14, 2013 21:43:00 GMT
New cafe just opened in Liverpool for under twelves, called Tarbuck's Speaking of which, and with all the "celebrities" under scrutiny at the moment, the prison panto should be a bloody great show this year...
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 15, 2013 7:52:44 GMT
OLDIES ARE SOMETIMES THE BEST
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Achaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on May 24, 2013 23:10:12 GMT
How does an angry Muslim close the door?
Islams it...
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salmondan
Active Member
There's always a chance!
Posts: 324
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Post by salmondan on May 24, 2013 23:12:06 GMT
Two Islamic fundamentalists in Millets, trying on backpacks. One says "Does my bomb look big in this?"...
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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bad jokes
Jul 1, 2013 21:07:03 GMT
via mobile
Post by dunkeld on Jul 1, 2013 21:07:03 GMT
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant…
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman,' he thought, "What the heck .... I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it, again!!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 5, 2013 13:51:55 GMT
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes, I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops."
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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bad jokes
Jul 15, 2013 18:00:18 GMT
via mobile
Post by dunkeld on Jul 15, 2013 18:00:18 GMT
Going back a few years the golfer V.J. Singh used to admire Nick Faldo's caddy Fanny Sunneson, in fact her really loved her and wanted to marry her and make her Fanny Singh
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