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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2013 22:13:11 GMT
Exaggeration
The ghillie at Upper Caberston hooked a fish about the "sixty pound mark" - those days before cameras and tape measures.. So he plays this fish all the way to Kelso (about 30 miles)- well, lands it at Rutherford to "save crossing the Teviot" and asks a local farmer to cart the monster up to the road for further transporting.
You'll have a cut will you no' , fur getting me up frae the river bank".
Well I'll just hae the eyes if thats ok.
Fit fur ?
A'm in need o' new curling stanes.
Told by Elsbeth Duncan (85) of Cardrona in the clearest convincing voice.
Malcolm
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 9, 2013 8:03:32 GMT
THE HINGE Charlie was installing a new door; And found that one of the hinges was missing; He asked his wife Mary if she would go To Builders Warehouse and pick up a hinge; Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap; When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that bath tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated bath tap and the price is £1450.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the bath tap.
This is why you can't send women to builders warehouse.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 9, 2013 16:50:20 GMT
A Scotsman died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move...'
'Oh', said the man, pointing towards one of them, 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible', said the man, who then pointed to another clock, 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Alex Salmond's clock?' asked the man. St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Feb 16, 2014 10:49:05 GMT
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; They had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from Which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the Human race was created by God, And Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, And your mother told you about hers.'
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Post by weefleeman on Mar 20, 2014 23:09:19 GMT
Rejection Letter.
Dear Sir
On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming 'Reality Show' and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter.
Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards
Channel 4
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 21, 2014 20:46:59 GMT
A man received an e-mail from his neighbour which said:
Sorry Jim, but I have been taking advantage of your wife... day and night whenever you've not been at home.
In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty.
I will ask your permission in the future. Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and, without uttering a word, he shoots his wife.
A few minutes later he receives another e-mail:
"Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife.'"
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 21, 2014 20:56:15 GMT
Guy standing waiting on his bus, when he notices a blind man and his dog walking towards him. He thins that's a fine Labrador he has etc., when suddenly they stop and at that, the dog cocks his leg and pees all down the leg of the blind man.
At that the Blind man gets a biscuit of of his pocket and gives it to the dog.
The stranger walks over and says to the Blind man, that is the kindest thing I have ever seen a human being doing in all me life.
The blind guys say what!!
Stranger said, you just gave your guide dog a biscuit after slashing all over your leg.
Don't be daft says the blind man, I'm only finding out what end its head is, as I'm going to kick its ar*e right up the street!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2014 22:51:36 GMT
An American, a gentleman from Kyoto in Japan and Paddy Murphy are in the sauna roasting off their proverbials and shooting the breeze. All of a sudden there is a bleeping noise to which Paddy exclaims loudly "what the bloody hell is that then?". The American apologises profusely and explains that he is a high flying oil executive from Dallas in Texas and that he must be able to be contacted 24 hours a day 7 days a week and in order to be able to facilitate this he has had a micro pager surgically implanted in his arm pit. He switches off the pager and again apologises. Paddy mutters to himself "bloody hell we got nothing like this back in Dublin, they are gonna think that I'm a bit backward". 2 minutes later while they are discussing particle physics there is another loud bleeping sound. Paddy shrieks out "f**k me, what's that then?". On this occasion the Oriental gentleman apologises and pushes his index finger under his armpit and the bleeping duly ceases. He speaks into his own armpit saying"I'm sorry but I must call you back later as I'm in the sauna". The Japanese man explains that he is a high flying executive from Kyoto in Japan and 5 years ago he and all his friends had surgically implanted micro pagers like the Yank. He goes on to say that this is now very old technology since his friends and himself now all have micro mobile phones surgically implanted in their armpits. Paddy again thinks "f**k**g hell, I'm gonna look like a bit of a farm boy cos we got nothing like this back in Ireland". Quick as a flash he leaps out of the sauna returning 2 minutes later with a long trail of toilet paper hanging out of the crack of his @rse. He makes loud and exaggerated bleeping noises and shouts out at the top of his voice "bloody hell, somebody is sending me a fax" www.silversalmon.co.uk
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Mar 26, 2014 10:57:48 GMT
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'Down Under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE CYCLONES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any ba##s to scratch...
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Apr 29, 2015 17:47:02 GMT
Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'"
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burnie
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Post by burnie on May 7, 2015 11:46:44 GMT
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Sept 12, 2015 9:37:36 GMT
For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my cat Chevy, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:
- two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
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Post by sinkingtip on Sept 12, 2015 10:44:23 GMT
Very good B. LMFAO (chuckled).
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Sept 16, 2015 19:25:41 GMT
I said to my wife, "I've bought 2 tickets for the cinema tonight."
"But what about the kids?" She asked.
I said, "I've ordered that baby sitter from number 76 to come round."
She said, "Is that the young, pretty, blonde one with the big boobs?"
"Yes," I replied. "Your sister is picking you up at 7."
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Post by almosthadapull on Sept 16, 2015 20:17:43 GMT
A few received today from a friend in Perthshire.
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken. 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?' 'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's a wa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in the box?' 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
I'll be getting our coats.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Sept 20, 2015 13:04:41 GMT
Yvette Cooper says Jeremy Corbyn is set to take us all back to the 1970's. If that means getting rid of the X factor and bringing back Top of the Pops , with Pan's People then count me in.
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Sept 21, 2015 8:22:49 GMT
One day, an ape escaped from the London Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, the ape was found in the British Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.
The Zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Jun 26, 2017 9:54:13 GMT
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) Is that why they are always squealing? A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the..?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
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