herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Dec 1, 2010 19:58:15 GMT
Order now for Christmas the new Radio 1 Live Lounge with the cover versions you never thought you would hear;
Susan Boyle - Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me .Stevie Wonder - I Can See Clearly Now .Nick Griffin - Black or White. Katie Price - Like a Virgin. Rihanna - Hit Me Baby One More Time. Michael Jackson - I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles. Josef Fritzl - Love Shack. Stephen Hawking - I'm Still Standing.!
|
|
|
Post by sinkingtip on Dec 1, 2010 20:50:16 GMT
Very good Herbie. ;D
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 1, 2010 21:33:10 GMT
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 1, 2010 21:35:15 GMT
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 1, 2010 21:37:07 GMT
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Veet" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
|
|
|
Post by Tyne Angler on Dec 2, 2010 11:02:09 GMT
My Wife's doing my head in, she's been looking through the window ever since it's started snowing, if it gets any worst I'll have to let her in!!
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 2, 2010 12:00:54 GMT
I was thinking of going out the other night and I said to the wife look I have been snowed in long enough, I'm going out. So put your hat, scarf and coat on.
She replied oh where are we going.
I said no where, I'm the one going out, your staying in and I'm turning the heating off to save money. ;D
|
|
|
Post by Tyne Angler on Dec 2, 2010 13:44:27 GMT
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?
Give her a shovel.
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Dec 2, 2010 16:06:51 GMT
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," the wife said coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Dec 5, 2010 12:33:10 GMT
> They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in > Birmingham,Oldham,Bradford,Burnley,Leicester > & Luton: > because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. > > > Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone > who's > English. > Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5. >
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 8, 2010 16:21:24 GMT
An off duty policeman was having a pint in a bar when he over heard an old couple in they're 80s reminiscing about the good old days when they used to sneak around the back of that very establishment for a "quickie".
The old man said to his wife, why don't we for old times sake see if we can still manage a quickie again after all these years. So off they toddled out the back door. At this the off duty policeman decided he, for no other reason than to make sure they were safe from muggers etc etc, decided to keep an eye on them from a very discrete distance.
Not long after settling down in his vantage point, the old couple dropped the gear and started to make mad love against the same fence. They sparks were flying as he went at it hammer and tong, to such a degree that the younger policeman was wondering how he couldn't be that vigorous and energetic. After the old couple had finished the got dressed and went back inside suitably flushed by their activities.
The policeman confessed that he was watching over them and commented on how virile and energetic the old guy was for his age. He replied back - It had nothing to with his energy and prowess as a lover at his age, more to do with the fence being electrified, when it wasn't in the old days ;D
|
|
|
Post by Tyne Angler on Dec 14, 2010 17:10:43 GMT
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming...
'come on my face'.
|
|
|
Post by sinkingtip on Dec 14, 2010 17:51:15 GMT
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming... 'come on my face'. It's the guy's I'd be worrying about.
|
|
conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
|
Post by conwyrod on Dec 14, 2010 18:00:22 GMT
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough? Give her a shovel. ...........have you tied the knot yet Dave? ;D
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 20, 2010 15:18:22 GMT
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while he was away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart ... but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard an awful howling and moaning sound. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Once she explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Dec 20, 2010 20:55:40 GMT
Ok, just to clean this up slightly, another festive amusement:
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
======================================================== December 15, 1972
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
========================================================= December 16, 1972
Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
========================================================= December 17, 1972
Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
========================================================== December 18, 1972
Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
======================================================== December 19, 1972
Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
======================================================== December 20, 1972
John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
========================================================= December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
========================================================= December 22, 1972
Hey S***head: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours ! Agnes
========================================================== December 23, 1972
You rotten p****: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been ****ing those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poo. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
========================================================= December 24, 1972
Listen F***head: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been **** with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
========================================================= December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
OK, maybe not.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Dec 21, 2010 7:38:13 GMT
Jack wakes up in bed with a huge hangover after attending his company's christmas party the night before. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like strong alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party as he was so drunk. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done anything wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all folded neatly! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees he has a huge black eye whilst looking in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.. I love you, darling ! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh That ha ha... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone pregnant dog, I'm happily married!!'
Replacing broken coffee table £239.99 Hot breakfast £4.20 Two Aspirins 38 pence Saying the Right thing, at the Right time: THATS PRICELESS !
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Dec 26, 2010 6:08:28 GMT
Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here’s to the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
|
|
conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
|
Post by conwyrod on Dec 26, 2010 9:36:43 GMT
classic! ;D ;D ;D
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Dec 26, 2010 19:27:44 GMT
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Should I tell her that the war is over?"
|
|