conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
|
Post by conwyrod on Dec 26, 2010 20:48:13 GMT
;D ;D
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Dec 27, 2010 16:19:23 GMT
Two paddies were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest,
one man digging a hole,
the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger,
" 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind & fill it up again? "
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
" Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. "
* * * * *
But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Dec 27, 2010 16:34:52 GMT
I got sprayed by a snow plough the other day. "B*stard!" I shouted (through gritted teeth) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An unbelievable thing I read in the paper. At Christmas time too. A little dwarf got pickpocketed ............ How could anyone stoop so low ? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo. They killed three gorillas and have released all the ostriches!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I need your advice – I’ve been offered eight legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer??!!
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Jan 7, 2011 13:19:42 GMT
I got sprayed by a snow plough the other day. "B*stard!" I shouted (through gritted teeth) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - An unbelievable thing I read in the paper. At Christmas time too. A little dwarf got pickpocketed ............ How could anyone stoop so low ? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo. They killed three gorillas and have released all the ostriches!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I need your advice – I’ve been offered eight legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer??!! Brilliant those short wee ones ;D ;D
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Jan 7, 2011 13:19:58 GMT
The little lads tortoise was getting slower and slower and he asked his dad what the problem was. His dad said that as it was passed down from even his father it was likely too old and could snuff it at any time. At this the little boy was breaking his heart and was inconsolable. His father thought, christ I shouldn't have said it would die, but no matter what words of comfort he directed at the lad he kept on crying his eyes out. At last he had a bright idea and said, if he does die son, we will have a party, with a clown, ballons, sweets, ice cream, presents and all your mates can come round and have a great time on the hired in bouncy castle. At that the young lad suddenly stopped crying, and said "can we kill the ferker now dad"
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Jan 7, 2011 21:01:40 GMT
In my local the other night I'd noticed they'd started doing a new drink called 'Elvis'
Never afraid to try new things I said to the barman 'I'll have an Elvis'
He then gave me a bottle of lemonade which went on to explode in my face.
Angrily wiping my brow I snapped 'Why the hell is that called an Elvis?'
'Because its all shook up' came the reply.
|
|
|
Post by sinkingtip on Jan 7, 2011 22:20:58 GMT
Tommy Cooper was a master of "the short wee ones".
"Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant".
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Jan 7, 2011 22:34:45 GMT
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Jan 8, 2011 11:46:14 GMT
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!' And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Jan 11, 2011 8:39:05 GMT
Subject: ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX ? > > The following is a list of the correct insurance companies for sex ......... > > SEX with your wife - legal & general > > SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust > > SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability > > SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union > > SEX on the telephone - Direct line > > SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy > > SEX in a hurry- Insure & go > > SEX with your boyfriend -standard life > > SEX with a transvestite - confused .. com > > SEX with some one different - go compare . com > > SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat . com > > SEX with a fat bird - More Than > > SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels > > SEX with an o.a.p - saga > > SEX with a posh bird - privilege .com > > SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union
|
|
herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
|
Post by herbie29 on Jan 11, 2011 10:04:39 GMT
Aye good one Kenny ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Tyne Angler on Jan 12, 2011 8:52:42 GMT
1/ Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
2/ Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.
3/ I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
4/ After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
5/ Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
6/ My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a ..................Slovak
7/ Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
8/ I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
9/ After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
10/ A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
11/ Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
12/ A group of women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread .. Gee, Hovis Witnesses.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Jan 17, 2011 9:51:35 GMT
There was a knock on the door this morning, there was a lad standing there who said "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in, sit down, now what do you want to talk about"? He said, " F##ked if I know I've never got this far before".
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Jan 17, 2011 12:56:20 GMT
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
|
|
dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
|
Post by dunkeld on Jan 17, 2011 12:59:19 GMT
I had 2 lesbians living next door. We got on well - I used to help them a bit with their garden, car, odd jobs. Nothing much really.
They bought me a Rolex for Christmas! I was stunned! When they asked me what I wanted for Christmas, all I said was "I wanna watch."!
|
|
burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,179
|
Post by burnie on Jan 19, 2011 15:04:27 GMT
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.
|
|
|
Post by sinkingtip on Jan 19, 2011 16:35:42 GMT
Very good gentlemen. ;D Especially the last two.
|
|
|
Post by allysshrimp on Jan 19, 2011 16:52:09 GMT
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....
and all the other bells started to ring.
|
|
|
Post by Willie Gunn on Jan 19, 2011 16:59:52 GMT
Only the British would get this one!...........................
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
For the youngsters amongst you a Marathon was the old name for a Snickers bar.
|
|
|
Post by sinkingtip on Jan 19, 2011 21:07:34 GMT
|
|