burnie
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Post by burnie on Jan 20, 2011 13:44:17 GMT
parked in a disabled space the other day. Traffic warden said 'what's your disability?' I said 'Tourette's....so go away you [beep]!
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 20, 2011 14:22:14 GMT
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but just don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please,. . . and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc. "Is it common?"asks the man. "It's not unusual," says the doc.
9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No,because he's really heavy," says the vet.
12. I went to the butcher's and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high "
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, DAM!"
15. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
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Post by G Ritchie on Jan 25, 2011 13:36:15 GMT
Gordon Brown is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury.
He greets the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm, Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace, As lang's my arm."
Gordon, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it."
Then Gordon moves on to the third patient who starts rattling off:
"Wee sleek it, cowr' in, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!"
Gordon turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"
"No" replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
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conwyrod
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Autumn on the Conwy
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Post by conwyrod on Jan 25, 2011 15:16:52 GMT
That's a seriously bad joke Graham! ;D
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dunkeld
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 25, 2011 15:17:40 GMT
A man was laying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f.. (you know whats next)
The man broke into a big beaming smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in
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Post by sinkingtip on Jan 25, 2011 16:48:22 GMT
That's a seriously bad joke Graham! ;D "I'm Graham Ritchie, you've been the audience - good night !!" ;D Always good to read a bit of Burns under any circumstances
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Post by G Ritchie on Jan 25, 2011 18:10:55 GMT
It is the title of the thread. ;D
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Post by jamieboy72 on Jan 25, 2011 20:33:14 GMT
i booked a table for valentines night for the gilfriend and me i can see it ending in tears though ,, she is hopeless at snooker,
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Post by Willie Gunn on Jan 25, 2011 21:03:06 GMT
It is the title of the thread. ;D Sorry Graham, the title of the thread is Bad Jokes not Bloody Awful Jokes, stick to catching fish!!
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Post by sinkingtip on Jan 25, 2011 21:27:52 GMT
Never mind him - you keep at it Graham.
Hone your delivery, work on some original material (life in the broch?) and develop a catch phrase - something like ...... "No, none of those". With the right material I can see a future in 'stand up' no problem.
Have to admit, I did laugh at JB72's snooker table gag.
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Post by Tyne Angler on Jan 25, 2011 21:58:51 GMT
Wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just come out of the freezer, and is standing hands behind his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks out the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 26, 2011 7:21:58 GMT
Wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just come out of the freezer, and is standing hands behind his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks out the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'." Jjesus and I thought this one was bad: A wee women goes into the butchers and say's - do you have sheeps heid. He replied, naw its the way I part my hair. I'' get my jacket
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jan 27, 2011 16:57:03 GMT
The Lone Ranger's Last Request... The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed... "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"READ MY LIPS!!!!" FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE!!!" :wink:
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Jan 27, 2011 18:00:58 GMT
Good to see the right thing was done and Andy Gray was sacked by Sky. That kind of sexist caveman mentality is just not acceptable in this day and age. Just hope they replace him with a fit bird with big ?%*!s.
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conwyrod
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Post by conwyrod on Jan 27, 2011 18:21:13 GMT
Good to see the right thing was done and Andy Gray was sacked by Sky. That kind of sexist caveman mentality is just not acceptable in this day and age. Just hope they replace him with a fit bird with big ?%*!s. In the interests of promoting equality and diversity, this forum would welcome a fit bird with either big, medium or small ?%*!s
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Post by lunesman on Jan 27, 2011 19:36:53 GMT
would that be a BOOBY
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Post by lordavon on Jan 27, 2011 19:40:35 GMT
Last time I watched the footie on Sky Sports it was being presented by a dodo with big ?%*!s .
What he's gone ?
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Post by speyvalley on Jan 27, 2011 21:32:45 GMT
Little Willie Gunn strikes again.... The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. ' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating' . Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated'. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Willie Gunn raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Willie Gunn before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Willie Gunn said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and said "Get a grip" Malcolm ;D
James Chalmers.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Feb 1, 2011 10:02:45 GMT
Hilarious! Growing up without a cell phone
If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards, The Over 40 Crowd
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burnie
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Post by burnie on Feb 4, 2011 12:57:00 GMT
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ... 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence..
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!'exclaims the captain,'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same ! ! !
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