dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 3, 2011 7:21:54 GMT
Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked, ''How did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lion statues and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, ‘WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 7, 2011 18:35:01 GMT
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses".
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 10, 2011 15:22:15 GMT
I PMSL on this one ;D ;D ;D
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
she looks at the flabbergasted teller,
and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some assholes got my pen.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jun 12, 2011 20:09:10 GMT
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
" Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's an
@rsehole...!!!"
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Post by sinkingtip on Jun 12, 2011 21:53:19 GMT
My wife found that very funny for some strange reason.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 13, 2011 10:11:35 GMT
Thought these were good. Then I would!! Just noticed its small to read, so can some one do their magic and make bigger or enlarge by zooming in.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jun 13, 2011 18:07:02 GMT
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,
and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she
took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ...."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are
the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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Post by Willie Gunn on Jun 13, 2011 18:29:00 GMT
Just noticed its small so can some one do their magic and make bigger or enlarge Is that plea from the lonely hearts? I think you can pills for it!
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Post by jamieboy72 on Jun 13, 2011 18:47:47 GMT
Just noticed its small so can some one do their magic and make bigger or enlarge pleIs that a from the lonely hearts? I think you can pills for it! very good williegunn
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Post by jamieboy72 on Jun 13, 2011 18:53:20 GMT
paddy was having sex with a young girl when she asked does it not bother you im only 13 , he says no im not superstitious
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 15, 2011 14:18:33 GMT
A truly touching story.... truly touching:
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These taser guns are well worth the money
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Post by sinkingtip on Jun 15, 2011 21:42:12 GMT
Very good Kenny - made me laugh ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 16, 2011 9:57:31 GMT
An Irish daughter of 21 years old had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 16, 2011 10:34:10 GMT
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was..................oh, do I miss him!" ;D
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Post by jamieboy72 on Jun 16, 2011 15:16:03 GMT
i went for my routine check up today , every thing was fine until he stuck his finger up my arse,,do you think i should change ,,DENTIST,,
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 21, 2011 15:54:43 GMT
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 21, 2011 15:57:50 GMT
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jul 5, 2011 19:05:25 GMT
The three wise men were walking into the stables where Jesus was lying in the crib. On the way in the first bangs his head and shouts out "OH JESUS CHRIST" At this point Joseph turns to Mary and says "Make a note of that I prefer it to Derek."
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Post by lunesman on Jul 13, 2011 17:31:47 GMT
Why do seagulls have wings So they can beat the gypsies to the tip.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 14, 2011 6:58:42 GMT
Bill & Marion were at home watching TV.
Bill had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Marion became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
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