dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 28, 2011 14:41:45 GMT
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE….. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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conwyrod
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Autumn on the Conwy
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Post by conwyrod on Apr 28, 2011 17:07:28 GMT
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE….. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. ;D ;D 1 - 9 could be relevant to fishing down a salmon pool!
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salmo
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Post by salmo on Apr 28, 2011 17:15:16 GMT
That's 1 - 10 when the water is low then ;D ;D ;D
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Post by lunesman on May 3, 2011 7:22:51 GMT
I'm surprised they got Osama bin Laden yesterday, they don't usually take bins on a bank holiday
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on May 3, 2011 8:19:51 GMT
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
The man said..'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
She replied..'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both'.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
With that the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 3, 2011 8:22:40 GMT
Came home from work other day and the wife's sat at the kitchen table counting 1p's and 2p's,i said hi and next minute she's going beserk,swearing and throwing everything around ? Think she's going through the change....
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salmo
Advisory Board
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Post by salmo on May 3, 2011 21:33:23 GMT
I'm surprised they got Osama bin Laden yesterday, they don't usually take bins on a bank holiday Letterman joked: "How about those Navy Seals? They jump out of a helicopter and they break into the compound, and they fire a warning shot into his head. "Well, the good news is, bin Laden lived to see the royal wedding." But what will happen to bin Laden in the next life? Letterman disclosed that owing to a screw-up in the paperwork, there were 72 vegans awaiting bin Laden in the afterlife instead of the 72 virgins supposedly promised. ;D
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 4, 2011 7:06:56 GMT
2 irish fellas are observing a Great Dane licking its balls.
Paddy turns to Murphy and says,"I wish i could do that ya know" Murphy says,"I'd pat him first,he looks a vicious big bugger !"
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 4, 2011 7:07:53 GMT
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli,a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club. The bouncer said:
Wait fot it......................
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 4, 2011 7:13:28 GMT
If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this test ... Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
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Answers below:
1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert!!
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burnie
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Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on May 5, 2011 20:42:22 GMT
Woman talking to a friend
My Husband took me to the Pub last night after about 4 Pints he said I love you
I said I suppose thats the Beer talking
He said NO
Thats me talking to the Beer
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burnie
Active Member
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Post by burnie on May 5, 2011 20:49:49 GMT
Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot. Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going. His mates are naturally pissed off that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.
Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.
Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'
Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?'
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'
'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'
So here I am.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 9, 2011 18:21:59 GMT
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course..'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 13, 2011 15:39:30 GMT
A bloke applies for Council job!
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says,
"O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bo!!ocks.
There's no point in you coming in for that."
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burnie
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Post by burnie on May 14, 2011 10:59:40 GMT
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 19, 2011 10:07:17 GMT
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back...
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 22, 2011 9:02:54 GMT
Don't mess with a Scottish wife..... Wee Jimmy had just finished a new book called “How to be the Man of your House” and decided he was taking action. He barges into the kitchen and announces to his wee Scottish wife, Mary, that “frae noo oan, you need tae ken that am the man o’ this hoose and ma word is law. Right”.
“So, the ‘nite you’ll prepare me a gourmet meal o’ ma choice and then, when I’m finished eating you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you’re comin up the stairs wi’ me an we’ll hae the kinda sex that a want for as long as a want it, and then you’ll run me a bath so a can relax. You’ll wash my back, then dry me wi the towel and then help me intae ma fleecy pyjamas before you massage ma hauns an feet. Then the morra mornin, guess who’s gonnae dress me, an comb ma hair?”
“Well” says Mary, “the f*** ing funeral director would be my first guess”
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 27, 2011 11:31:13 GMT
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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Post by sewincatcher on May 27, 2011 22:21:33 GMT
An old boy goes to the chemist with his prescription for Viagra, he says to the pharmacist can you cut them up into quarters,? the pharmacist says sir if I cut them into quarters you won't get a full erection, the old boy says I'm 96yrs old what do I want with an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough to stop me pissing on my slippers..
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on Jun 2, 2011 20:14:46 GMT
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." All of your jokes are good but this one had my 2 boys (aged 13 and 12) rolling with laughter ;D ;D ;D salmo
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