dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 15, 2011 7:01:56 GMT
Stupid question, excellent response! For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:! We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jul 19, 2011 20:28:14 GMT
The wife phoned me and said, "you'd better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied, "but united are playing". She said, "record it and watch it later". You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and a tripod!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 22, 2011 13:46:07 GMT
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the "Gripe Sheets" before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny........... S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget ;D ;D ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 8, 2011 9:56:12 GMT
An atheist is out walking in the woods when he turns a corner and encounters a large bear. The atheist turns and runs, and the grizzly gives chase. The man trips, and the bear is upon him, its teeth bared, its paws ready to strike.
The man screams, “Ohmygod!“
Suddenly, time stops. A brilliant light parts the forest gloom. A voice from the light booms, “You deny my very existence, and yet in your moment of need you call upon me? Don’t you see how hypocritical that is?”
The man says, “I do, oh Lord. And since it probably wouldn’t be right to suddenly treat me as a Christian, could you at least turn the bear into one?”
“Very well,” says the voice.
Time resumes. The bear is again looming over the man, ready to strike. But before it does, it kneels, folds its paws in prayer and says, “Oh, Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive and make truly thankful …”
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on Aug 9, 2011 17:44:36 GMT
An old boy goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he sneezes he gets an erection.
The doctor asks if he is taking anything for it and the old boy says "yeh -pepper" ;D ;D ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 12, 2011 8:18:58 GMT
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband, (Bill) was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; who the hell four putts?
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 12, 2011 9:52:50 GMT
Admin delete if not approriate!
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint." Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since her first beating with it.
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde girl eating a banana you think of a porn film, but when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel?
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya . They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool . The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!
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Post by allysshrimp on Aug 12, 2011 11:16:52 GMT
A farmer buys a young Cockerel and takes it back to his farm.
As soon as he puts it in to the Chicken coop it shags all 150 of his hens.
The next day the farmer see's the same Cockerel shagging all his geese and Ducks.
The day after though, he finds the Cockerel lying on the ground half dead and being circled by Vultures. " Serves you right you horny B......rd " Just at that the Cockerel opens one eye and say's "Quiet there about to land"
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Post by allysshrimp on Aug 12, 2011 11:24:37 GMT
Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet,one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says "Vietnam 1969"
The other points his thumb behind him and says
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ "Dog Shit 20' back !!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 12, 2011 12:34:51 GMT
I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday so I smashed him over the head with a shovel. I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Argos and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.
I was in the city centre last night and had my laptop stolen. Shortly after, one sick looter was arrested for possessing indecent images of children.
After rioters loot Carpet Rite..Police say Tottenham now has Rug dealers on every street corner.
A Police station in Huddersfield got broken into last night and looters stole all of their Sat Navs.Police are now looking for Leeds
Six shots fired in London, all missed. Police are looking to question Fernando Torres.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 12, 2011 12:36:39 GMT
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc, in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he's hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
How lovely to see an attorney convict his own client!!
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Post by allysshrimp on Aug 16, 2011 15:34:50 GMT
.> Subject: Boaby & Davy > > Boaby & Davy, Conjoined Scottish Twins > > An on duty gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees > with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does > and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car > and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins. > > Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to > engage in some friendly chat. > > Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends? > > Davy: Aye, that's right, big yin. We've been coming every September > weekend for the last 9 years. > > Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy > weather you have in Ecosse? > > Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your > weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby? > > Boaby: Aye. > > > Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French > food, very healthy. > > Davy: Naw, yer food's mingin, big man, everything reeks of garlic. > We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your shite. > > Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, > surely. > > Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that > right , Boaby? > > Boaby: Aye. > > Gendarme: (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must > be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in > Europe . > > Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dugs, ah widnae touch them > wae a ten fit pole big yin. > > Gendarme: (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our > country if everysing ees so bad? > > Boaby: -------It's the only chance 'oor Davy gets tae drive.............. >
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 16, 2011 18:07:28 GMT
This women married and had 5 kids before he snuffed it. She remarried and had 6 kids to him, before he snuffed it. She remarried again and had another 5 kids before SHE snuffed it. So when wullie was standing at her grave side as she was being lowered into the ground he said - At last they are together. His mate said, you mean her and her two previous husbands Wullie. He replied naw her fooking legs Tam.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Aug 17, 2011 18:51:32 GMT
During the riots, I spotted a man hurrying down the Hight Street with a plasma tv under his arm. I did my civic duty and whacked him over the head with a shovel.
I have apologised to Argos, and said I hope their delivery driver recovers soon
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 17, 2011 19:06:15 GMT
During the riots, I spotted a man hurrying down the Hight Street with a plasma tv under his arm. I did my civic duty and whacked him over the head with a shovel. I have apologised to Argos, and said I hope their delivery driver recovers soon Brilliant, one of the best for a wee while Burnie. Now See post # 189 just above you ;D ;D
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Aug 18, 2011 16:35:06 GMT
Ah weisht(or how ever you spell it)
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Post by sinkingtip on Aug 18, 2011 20:59:14 GMT
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 19, 2011 11:27:52 GMT
Police Stop at 1:00 A.M.
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The cop was laughing so hard - he let the old man continue walking home to his lecture.
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Post by jamieboy72 on Aug 19, 2011 18:29:59 GMT
dear santa dont bother fkn coming this year, i have loads & loads of stuff already,, delroy AGE 9 TOTTENHAM,
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 24, 2011 15:53:53 GMT
Security Levels The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pi**ed Off" to "Let's get the B'tards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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