dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 29, 2011 12:19:23 GMT
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, Ma'am you had twins...... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffer in Hell no, not me brother........ He's a clueless, a bleed'n moron! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother...... I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy’s name?"
"Denephew".
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Aug 31, 2011 6:56:05 GMT
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 1, 2011 7:47:31 GMT
A glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of $hit..
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
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Post by almosthadapull on Sept 1, 2011 17:22:59 GMT
Hope you're all having a good season. Thought you might like these, and sorry if you've heard them before.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?’
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘But I still think my thumb's broken!’
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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.â€
And saving the worst until last:
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video . . . it's ****ing hilarious!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 2, 2011 8:22:24 GMT
Prostate check-up... An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....
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salmo
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Post by salmo on Sept 4, 2011 13:06:37 GMT
Good jokes keep em coming ;D ;D
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Post by almosthadapull on Sept 9, 2011 15:01:31 GMT
A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets Up and moves to the First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cape Town, and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because She only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she Will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cape Town, and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says
"Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied..... "I told her First Class isn't going to Cape Town"
- - -
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Sept 9, 2011 17:39:00 GMT
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts. I thought, that seems fair, t!t for tat.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Sept 14, 2011 16:57:25 GMT
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."
"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
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deedon
Active Member
Posts: 320
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Post by deedon on Sept 15, 2011 11:53:56 GMT
My Gran just got back from a trip to China the other day. She brought me back a t-shirt from her travels. It said "Made around the corner" on the lable.
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GPT
Active Member
Posts: 78
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Post by GPT on Sept 24, 2011 6:34:42 GMT
"I'm sorry, we don't allow faster than light particles in here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on Sept 24, 2011 8:14:19 GMT
"I'm sorry, we don't allow faster than light particles in here." A neutrino walks into a bar. Nice subtle one GPT... A neutrino was stopped on the A1 Autostrada in Italy yesterday 5 mins before he had set off from Cern in Switzerland. The policeman walks up to the car and says 'trying to beat the speed of light were we?"
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salmo
Advisory Board
Posts: 1,814
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Post by salmo on Sept 25, 2011 9:20:19 GMT
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: 'Can you drive this thing?'
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Post by almosthadapull on Sept 28, 2011 17:45:30 GMT
Two dyslexic skiers at a ski resort. They see a guy pulling a sledge.
They go over and ask "Excuse me, mate. Where's the Red Run?"
The guy replies "Sorry, lads. I'm not a skier, I'm a tobogganist."
"Great", they reply. "A pack of Marlboro and a box of matches, please."
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What does DNA stand for? National Association of Dyslexics.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering whether there really was a Dog.
=============================================
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 28, 2011 21:21:53 GMT
My friend drowned in a boating accident last week,we clubbed together for a wreath for his funeral in the shape of a life vest...Its what he would have wanted......
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 28, 2011 21:24:32 GMT
I failed a health and safety course at work yesterday.One of the questions was "In the event of a fire,what steps would you take ?" "Fookin' large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.....
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An alcoholic,a chain smoker and a homosexual go to the doctors..The doc says,"If any of you indulge one more time you'll die" As they walk home together they pass a bar,the alcoholic has a shot of whiskey and falls off his stool,stone cold dead..His friends are shocked,as they walk home they come across a cigarette butt on the ground still burning...The homosexual looks at the chain smoker and says,"If you bend over to pick that up we're both dead !!"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Sept 28, 2011 21:25:44 GMT
My wife and i walked past this swanky new restaurant last night,"Did you smell that food,it smelt incredible ?" she said...Being the nice guy i am i thought fook it i'll treat her..........So we walked past again...
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Post by sinkingtip on Sept 29, 2011 19:54:36 GMT
My friend drowned in a boating accident last week,we clubbed together for a wreath for his funeral in the shape of a life vest...Its what he would have wanted...... Very good Kenny ;D
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Sept 30, 2011 20:50:05 GMT
In my spare time I like to pass wind on crowded lifts.
Which is wrong on so many levels.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 4, 2011 12:03:07 GMT
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."
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