hf
Active Member
Posts: 1,807
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Post by hf on Jun 20, 2012 8:02:38 GMT
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. .......................... ...................................................................... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with us old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Sh1t and Brilliance only come with age and experience.
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herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Jun 25, 2012 1:55:41 GMT
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doc.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'No problem,' replied the doc. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went' the doc explained.
It was a week later when she called the doc, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doc.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in His coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, A twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doc, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 25, 2012 6:08:40 GMT
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 25, 2012 6:12:52 GMT
Brian Sullivan - the perfect man
A man walked out to the street in New York City and immediately catches a taxi
The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie:
"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger:
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie:
"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros.
He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger:
"Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie:
"There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."
Passenger:
"Wow... Some guy that Brian."
Cabbie:
"He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam.
Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger:
"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie:
"Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died and I'm married to his bloody widow."
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Deleted
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2012 15:24:27 GMT
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Jun 27, 2012 21:07:52 GMT
;D
Sounds like he should go fishing more often. ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 30, 2012 18:03:13 GMT
WEE SCOTTISH JOKE On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 3, 2012 13:12:14 GMT
I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go! I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?" I replied "Yesterday.”
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jul 3, 2012 18:19:11 GMT
Good one Kenny
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 3, 2012 18:55:50 GMT
Breeding Bulls My wife and I went to the Royal Highland Show last week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Jul 3, 2012 20:10:11 GMT
I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands. She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go! I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?" I replied "Yesterday.” ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by builnacraig on Jul 9, 2012 19:46:40 GMT
The Surgeons..
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2012 11:55:31 GMT
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." < yes i know, churchy, lady wassname etc etc - still funny tho' >
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 12, 2012 13:57:10 GMT
50 shades of chav .... 'Council estate style' .... "Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women". "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his nike vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.""As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to the block in the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 12, 2012 14:00:54 GMT
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup. "What's the situation?" "A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof." "You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Jul 14, 2012 15:30:08 GMT
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 19, 2012 9:22:09 GMT
My wife has just bought some Meatloaf knickers.
On the front it says I'll do anything for love and on the back it says but I wont do that.
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Post by allysshrimp on Jul 19, 2012 9:25:40 GMT
Where do you dig these up sir ;D ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 19, 2012 14:48:16 GMT
THE NEW ZOO KEEPER A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps, with Mushy Bees
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jul 19, 2012 14:49:44 GMT
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to scam us.. I'll put on my best English accent.”
“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,"Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
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