dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 25, 2012 14:41:35 GMT
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground,at the Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "im not dead, im not dead. Let me out!" To which the smiling Vicar says "too late pal, the bloody paperworks already done!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 25, 2012 15:01:42 GMT
Son says to his father one day,"Dad,i'm gay"...Dad says to his other son,"What about you ?"..Other son replies,"Yeah,i'm gay too dad"....Dad says,"Fuccck me,doesn't anyone in this family like f***y anymore ?"
Daughter says,"I do......."
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Post by almosthadapull on Apr 26, 2012 10:11:36 GMT
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies that will cater for most tastes: Sex with your Husband/wife - Legal & General. Telephone Sex - Direct Line. Sex with your Partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone Different - Go Compare. Sex with a Fat bird - More Than. Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex with a posh bird - Privileged. Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com!
* * * * * *
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally I think it's b*llocks.
They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive.
What's the difference between Basil Brush and an Arab with a rucksack?? The Arab only goes Boom once.
A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?? "No" she replies "It's just regular porn you sick b*stard.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" says the Doctor. "Yes....Homer is a fat lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.
Just heard the rioting has spread to Ireland, Paddy has smashed through his PC screen trying to steal from ebay
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer, the barman says 'We don't serve snails in here.' and throws it out. A month later the snail comes back and says, 'What was that for?'
I went to see the doctor this morning and he said you're turning into an airport, I said 'Is it terminal'
* * * * * *
Proposed cuts to the National Health Service. The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 27, 2012 9:13:40 GMT
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome' she said.
'No.' I said, excitedly.
We drank a bit more, and then she says that 'tonight was my lucky night'.
We gulped down the last of the drinks and headed back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum! You still awake?'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Apr 27, 2012 9:16:16 GMT
Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick. ________________________________________________
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"! ____________________________________
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ____________________________________
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.
"Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"! ____________________________________
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter..... ___________________________________________
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. _____________________________________
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me
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Post by sinkingtip on Apr 27, 2012 9:36:10 GMT
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. Very good Kenny ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 2, 2012 9:37:02 GMT
Thought this was funny
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 2, 2012 11:45:40 GMT
I was sitting watching Match Of The Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag babe ?"..... I said,"After the football love"..... She said,"You do realise you can record it ?" I said,"Nice,you get the camcorder,i'll come up when the footy's finished....."
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 2, 2012 11:48:28 GMT
Just got back from Blackpool , never again...
On the seafront I saw a guy and a woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and then it all kicked off. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts twitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him and his wife with it !
Final straw was when this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 2, 2012 11:53:43 GMT
Woman "Shall I drive?" Man "Nah, you're alright thanks, I'm fine" W "Oh go on, I really want to drive" M "No, you'll probably have an accident" W "I'll be really, really careful" M "No" W "But I really want to have a go, just a little go & I'll be really careful" M "No" W "I tell you what, if you let me have a go, just for a little bit, then when we get home I'll give you a blow job" M "Really? But you don't........" W "Promise, as a special thank you, if you let me have just a little go driving" M "Oh, alright then, here you go"
"and that your Honour is the last entry on the black box recorder fitted to the bridge of the Costa Concordia"...??!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 7, 2012 9:29:44 GMT
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "Did you see who did it?" Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!"
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Post by lunesman on May 7, 2012 10:00:12 GMT
A man, sitting in his armchair, shouts to his wife "when i die I'm going to leave everything to you". She shouts back " you all ready do you lazy bastard".
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burnie
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Post by burnie on May 7, 2012 12:01:04 GMT
A man, sitting in his armchair, shouts to his wife "when i die I'm going to leave everything to you". She shouts back " you all ready do you lazy bastard". Think my wife wrote that one ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on May 7, 2012 14:25:36 GMT
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet. "Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes." So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream.
It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage. "Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth. "Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal.
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."
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burnie
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Post by burnie on May 12, 2012 9:52:43 GMT
I heard the BBC are to show Vidal Sassoon's funeral.
Not all of it, just the highlights.
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 6, 2012 9:39:07 GMT
Square Testicles * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Scotland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, £165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him £50,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Scotland !'
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Post by butler106 on Jun 13, 2012 7:53:23 GMT
Fannie Reid fae Peterheed In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for the past month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession. I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a week for the past twa months." This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?" "A new lassie in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies. "Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper, "Is that Fannie Reid?" The altar boy replies ... .............. "A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection fae her shoes!
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 19, 2012 7:02:39 GMT
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh1t now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story... Don't mess with us old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Sh1t and Brilliance only come with age and experience.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 19, 2012 9:17:08 GMT
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, So Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine And we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week And I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Jun 19, 2012 10:41:20 GMT
A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in..
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f......g didn't."
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