dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 4, 2011 12:04:03 GMT
Doctor Joke
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 4, 2011 12:06:04 GMT
A plumber attended to a leaking toilet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded £150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."
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herbie29
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14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Oct 5, 2011 14:54:08 GMT
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............. B..I.G.T.I.T.S.
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Oct 5, 2011 15:17:59 GMT
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. Thats what im doing wrong ;D
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herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Oct 5, 2011 18:27:24 GMT
Compasssion
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
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herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Oct 5, 2011 18:29:15 GMT
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER OH No !!! He has a sister ?? Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mum fainted.
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ibm59
Active Member
Posts: 314
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Post by ibm59 on Oct 19, 2011 20:40:02 GMT
A young woman phoned a local radio station and told the DJ:
"Yesterday I found a wallet in Main-Street containing about £10,000.
According to the official documents, the wallet belongs to John Smith, he lives in Mill Way. Could you please play a soothing song for him?"
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 7, 2011 11:02:55 GMT
Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they ;went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 14, 2011 9:12:16 GMT
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Nov 19, 2011 11:59:20 GMT
What's "a kangaroo" - a geordie stuck in a lift
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herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Nov 27, 2011 19:30:41 GMT
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
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herbie29
Active Member
14 lbs spey spring salmon
Posts: 495
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Post by herbie29 on Nov 30, 2011 0:03:34 GMT
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!
Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.
Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly.
We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Nov 30, 2011 20:36:41 GMT
There's been a major explosion at the local cheese factory - the Police are sifting through de brie.
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Post by sinkingtip on Nov 30, 2011 22:21:05 GMT
John - that's hellish ! ;D
Anyone watching the new Gervais / Merchant offering 'Lifes Too Short' ? Some seriously funny stuff happening in there.
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Dec 1, 2011 18:51:59 GMT
I agree Andy, there's some good 'little' jokes in there. I liked his ewok costume and his speech at the wedding. ;D ;D
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Post by sinkingtip on Dec 1, 2011 21:03:34 GMT
Agree John, the ewok / bear costume was a classic - as was his Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit in the Helena Bonham-Carter episode last week.
The 'Liam Neeson scene' in the first episode was just priceless ..... and the secretary !!
It's on again shortly - after 'Rev' - another great piece of writing.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 2, 2011 7:24:50 GMT
MY NEW PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR
Love this new Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 7, 2011 7:52:39 GMT
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
wait for it ........................
"That'll be me then," said Paddy
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 7, 2011 7:53:50 GMT
Went for a meal with the missus last night,had Pelican curry......It was ok but the bill was enormous !!!
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 7, 2011 7:54:34 GMT
I phoned the police the other day.
"What's your emergency ?" they asked.
I said," 2 girls are fighting over me".
"Ok",she paused,"Well,what's the problem ?".
"The fat one's winning".
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