dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 13, 2012 9:38:06 GMT
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the auditor was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform? "
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2012 10:27:18 GMT
Leaving work on Friday night I was somewhat stressed after the demands of a busy week i decided that a shower, change of clothes and a night on the razzle dazzle was called for. I headed into St. Helens and was perched on a bar stool in a seedy club and pondering stuff. At once the entire room lit up as in walked the most delectable, sophisticated lady that I had ever set my beady eyes upon. I decided to chance my arm and to my pleasant surprise she fell for all of my cheesy one liners. We danced the night away as more and more demon drink was consumed by both of us until finally we retired to a darkened corner of the room where I whispered sweet nothings and gently nuzzled her left ear. She responded most warmly. For all the world it felt like time to 'take the money shot' and I said to her quietly "I have to tell you that there is something that you should know about me". She asked what that was and I replied "Shit, damn, bollocks oh f**k" Obviously very shocked she quizzed me "What is it, you have Tourette's?" Quick as a flash I came back with the response "No! my bloody wife has just walked in"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 13, 2012 11:14:23 GMT
This young lad was ill treated all his life by his mum and dad, due to them having to have a shot gun wedding.
Every night he would be stripped of his good school clothes and flung into the darkened room where he would get skelped and fed scraps.
This went on every single day, in that he was scared to come home. Until one day when walking home from school he met his dad, who gave him a tenner for the pictures and some loving and kind words that he was loved after all etc.
On entering his home, he said to his mother, shaking like a leaf, that the tenner was given to him by his father. She said I know, here is another fiver for the pictures, get yourself some sweets as well and we both love you to bits. Off he went clicking his heels together, while saying, " My father and mother love me" my father and .................
He watched the picture, ate sweets till he was sick and on the way home he told everyone he could see that his "Father and mother loved him" He was as happy as larry and surely his life would be one long happy story now.
He got to his front gate and they had flitted
(moved away, for our English brothers)
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 13, 2012 13:27:08 GMT
Kevin Bridges. A very funny man.
see here:
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2012 22:48:39 GMT
2 interesting facts about me........................................................... 1. My knob is the same size as 2 Argos pens 2. I am banned from Argos
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2012 8:23:50 GMT
ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments..
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our @rse - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 15, 2012 10:06:17 GMT
How Old is grandma? Try to Guess her age before you get to the bottom for the answer.
Stay with this ! -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away !!!
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute !......... I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There were no: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not yet invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers , and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks , CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' "chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and. ' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am? I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready??
This woman would be only 59 years old , Born in 1952 .
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES. THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
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Post by Willie Gunn on Nov 15, 2012 13:19:45 GMT
Kenny, I think she was lying about her age!! On November 2, 1936 the BBC began transmitting the world's first public television service from the Victorian Alexandra Palace in north London. Penicillin was invented by Alexander Fleming in 1928. It was invented in London, England by accident. The use of penicillin did not begin until the 1940s.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 15, 2012 13:21:36 GMT
Kenny, I think she was lying about her age!! On November 2, 1936 the BBC began transmitting the world's first public television service from the Victorian Alexandra Palace in north London. Penicillin was invented by Alexander Fleming in 1928. It was invented in London, England by accident. The use of penicillin did not begin until the 1940s. You've too much time on yer hands Malcolm ;D ;D
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Post by Willie Gunn on Nov 15, 2012 13:25:17 GMT
You've too much time on yer hands Malcolm ;D ;D She was claiming to be not much older than me, and she looked very much older, although my boyish good looks certainly help!!
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Post by charlieH on Nov 15, 2012 14:50:59 GMT
A minute or two with Wikipedia tells me that Clarence Birdseye started selling frozen food in 1929.
Instant coffee was first patented in 1890 (and the Nescafe brand dates back to 1938).
The first dishwasher was patented in 1850.
So if Granny isn't lying she must be 162 years old.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 15, 2012 15:17:08 GMT
Pity my Gran is gone, or I would have given here a mouthful for lying all those years to me. Makes me feel so mucho younger now
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 15, 2012 15:21:46 GMT
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY . 1 Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
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dunkeld
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Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 15, 2012 22:01:23 GMT
In my opinion, you should never use intelligence and footballer in the same sentence WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT? Golden Quotations from footballers
My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. " David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona " Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester " Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu
" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush
" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles
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Post by tweedbunnet on Nov 18, 2012 6:16:27 GMT
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show him."
tb
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 21, 2012 11:51:19 GMT
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 22:43:04 GMT
First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins...... [ with apologies to our celtic brothers across the north channel who are equally as self-effacing as our good selves ]
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
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Post by conwyrod on Dec 4, 2012 21:29:52 GMT
A fat guy went to the doctors and after a check up discovered his BMI was pie.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2012 22:41:14 GMT
I was with this really fit bird and i was so turned on that i couldn't help having a cheeky wank under the sheet, either she did not notice or was too polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2012 8:32:22 GMT
The wife walked in last night and took her bra off, with a cheeky wink she said "Suck my titties"."Bugger off" I said, "They've been on the floor"
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