dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 3, 2010 7:15:26 GMT
Question is - What one got the job??. I will let this run to see how many got it right The most well endowed. Och yer too quick
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 3, 2010 7:51:18 GMT
Once upon a time ago a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry me?
The Princess said, No!
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 8, 2010 18:31:46 GMT
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
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Tyne Andrew
Active Member
April Spring Salmon 2010 - Lower Pitchroy, River Spey
Posts: 1,104
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Post by Tyne Andrew on Nov 24, 2010 11:45:54 GMT
The Girl Lodger
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself...."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.
Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...
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Post by sinkingtip on Nov 24, 2010 14:14:15 GMT
Very good Andrew - although the punchline was largely irrelevant IMO. ;D
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 24, 2010 14:52:26 GMT
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 24, 2010 14:53:37 GMT
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Asda. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Asda has wallets on sale 2.99 each
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 24, 2010 15:58:26 GMT
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Asda. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Asda has wallets on sale 2.99 each Superb ;D
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 24, 2010 16:12:56 GMT
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid @#$%& was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not @#$%& in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 24, 2010 16:29:51 GMT
Geordie was asked if he preferred legs or breasts.... He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies!!! He was politely informed that this was not an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket
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Post by Tyne Angler on Nov 24, 2010 16:51:57 GMT
Geordie was asked if he preferred legs or breasts.... He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies!!! He was politely informed that this was not an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket ;D
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Nov 24, 2010 20:00:16 GMT
Some good jokes posted today lads. ;D ;D ;D
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Neil
Active Member
Posts: 212
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Post by Neil on Nov 26, 2010 14:22:12 GMT
Here's one for a laugh: A man walks into a London fruit and veg shop and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some bamstick oot therr wants to buy hauf a cauliflooer.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 'Glesga, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Glasgow ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nuthin' but hoors and fitba players up therr.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Glasgow .'
'Yer kiddin on so ye ur ?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play furr?'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 26, 2010 14:59:06 GMT
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Nov 26, 2010 14:59:48 GMT
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b*st*rds!'..
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tweedsider
Active Member
Quietness is best
Posts: 993
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Post by tweedsider on Nov 26, 2010 16:15:26 GMT
Little Mary came home from school full of excitement. "Mummy mummy" she cried "we saw daddy and auntie Jane going into the woods behind the school at lunchtime so we went and spied on them to see what they were doing". "Did you dear, and what where they doing?" "Well first of all daddy put his hand up auntie jane's jumper, then auntie Jane put her hand inside daddy's trousers, and then, and then." "That is enough dear why dont we keep the rest of the story until tea time when daddy comes home and also auntie Jane and your uncle Billy are coming to tea so it will be a nice surprise for them wont it!" So tea time comes and little Mary is enticed to tell her story to a wider audience so prompterd by her mother she begins, through to where she had been stopped earlier. "And then ,and then mummy , daddy and auntie Jane started doing what you and uncle Billy do when daddy is away on the oil rigs."
Moral always let a child finish their story.
Tweedsider
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burnie
Active Member
Posts: 1,183
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Post by burnie on Nov 28, 2010 13:11:41 GMT
A friends Wife asked him to go out, and buy her something to make her look sexy You should have seen her face when he came back with 24 cans of Stella
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 1, 2010 13:12:59 GMT
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint just in their knickers. In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room so they open the door. "Nice boobs," he says. "Where do you want the blinds?"
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dunkeld
Active Member
Tay Springer April 2010
Posts: 2,946
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Post by dunkeld on Dec 1, 2010 16:00:10 GMT
Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture..'
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
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conwyrod
Advisory Board
Autumn on the Conwy
Posts: 4,659
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Post by conwyrod on Dec 1, 2010 19:51:54 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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